(I warned you.)
Wife: If I'd known you were this poor, I'd never have married you.
Husband: Don't pretend I didn't warn you! How many times did I tell you that you're everything I have?
Husband: Don't pretend I didn't warn you! How many times did I tell you that you're everything I have?
(Surprise you.)
Boyfriend: How come you didn't get me a present for my birthday?
Girlfriend: Well, you did tell me to surprise you.
Girlfriend: Well, you did tell me to surprise you.
(Anything with diamond.)
It's my wife's birthday on Monday.
I asked her last month what she would like to get as a present.
She told: Oh, I don't know! Anything with diamonds would be lovely.
I bet she's going to love her brand new set of playing cards!
I asked her last month what she would like to get as a present.
She told: Oh, I don't know! Anything with diamonds would be lovely.
I bet she's going to love her brand new set of playing cards!
(Saw myself on TV.)
Hi guys.
I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!
Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.
I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!
Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.
(Doesn't value honesty.)
A: How do you know a woman doesn't value honesty?
B: When she asks you, How do I look, darling?
B: When she asks you, How do I look, darling?
(yang qi guan.)
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day.
He just kept whispering "yang qi guan" over and over and then died.
I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means You're standing on my oxygen tube.
I went to see him the next day.
He just kept whispering "yang qi guan" over and over and then died.
I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means You're standing on my oxygen tube.
(Lottery for brand new car.)
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.
My dad beat the crap out of me again.
When I got home explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.
My dad beat the crap out of me again.
(She's actually gone.)
A real man always accompanies his wife to the train station when she leaves.
What other way to make sure she's actually gone?
What other way to make sure she's actually gone?
(Die slow.)
(My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back.)
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door: I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you stupid!
I said: Well! So you're saying I should return?
As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door: I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you stupid!
I said: Well! So you're saying I should return?
(Will you jump?)
Wife: Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?
Husband: Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?
Husband: Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?