(When I drink coffee, I can't sleep.)
Doctor: Tell me your problem.
Patient: When I drink coffee I can't sleep.
Doctor: (Top another patient) And your's?
Another patient: I have the exact opposite, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.
Patient: When I drink coffee I can't sleep.
Doctor: (Top another patient) And your's?
Another patient: I have the exact opposite, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.
(Peed into the fridge.)
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: Emily wake up! You know what just happened?
Emily (replies sleepily): No!
Peter: I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers.
Emily (replies groans): Oh no, Peter. You pig, you just peed into the fridge again.
He wakes his sleeping wife: Emily wake up! You know what just happened?
Emily (replies sleepily): No!
Peter: I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers.
Emily (replies groans): Oh no, Peter. You pig, you just peed into the fridge again.
(Stupid.)
You get inside into my room, unnoticed.
You gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place.
Then you start sucking.
Stupid mosquitoes!
You gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place.
Then you start sucking.
Stupid mosquitoes!
(No monkeys in space.)
Me: I want to be an astronaut!
Friend: I heard they don't send monkeys to space anymore.
Me: Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then.
Friend: I heard they don't send monkeys to space anymore.
Me: Exactly, so no chance of a visit from you then.
(Blurry.)
That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth.
But instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
But instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.
(Strongest creature.)
Teacher: What is the strongest creature in the world?
Student: The snail.
Teacher: How's that?
Student: It carries its whole house on its back.
Student: The snail.
Teacher: How's that?
Student: It carries its whole house on its back.
(The house don't have any windows.)
A: Why don't snails fart?
B: Because their houses don't have any windows.
B: Because their houses don't have any windows.
(I'm her mother.)
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
(Teaching colours.)
When I want to teach the colors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
(While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.)
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
(While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.)
(Believe in God.)
Two goldfish in a bowl talking.
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
